I Wish I Was An Olympian (For The Sex, Of Course)

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(From 2016)

I wish I was an Olympian.

No, not because I would love to be so talented at a sport that my home country would send me to a gathering where the best athletes in the world congregate once every four years (I’m ignoring the Winter Olympics here, because they won’t continue the most exciting part of winter sports: having masked men surprise athletes by clubbing them in the knee with a crowbar during the qualification process), but because the Olympic Village is apparently the greatest sex party of all time.

This year, The Olympic Committee is shipping 450,000 condoms to the Olympic Village.  Now, 100,000 of those condoms are female condoms, and I don’t think I know anyone who has ever used one, and truthfully, I don’t know how they are even used.  I’m assuming they are probably more difficult to deploy than the “standard” condom and probably involve scaffolding of some sort, and possibly a miner’s hat, complete with headlamp.  Also provided to the athletes will be 175,000 packets of sexual lubricant, which I’ve never needed to use before (that’s right, ladies; my contact info is at the bottom of the article), but I guess will come in handy.

As far as the math, it averages out to 42 condoms per athlete, which means they will have enough condoms to get each athlete through at least two sex sessions per day.  Historically, from a sexual point of view, the Olympic Village is the pinnacle of international diplomacy, as it seems that most athletes are rutting with athletes from other countries, and usually athletes competing in different sports.  Apparently, the locations where the female athletes from the Nordic countries stay are very popular, while, I imagine, the Lithuanian Women’s Powerlifting Team’s quarters probably isn’t the “beachfront property” at the Village.

To be an Olympian, you have to be in amazing shape, unless you play one of those bizarro sports like badminton, or table tennis, or gin rummy, that require more hand/eye coordination than they do overall athletic prowess – hell, I’m a bassist and pianist with amazing hand/eye coordination and finger speed (ladies, contact info is at the bottom of the article), and I’m not getting flown anywhere to participate in competitions in-between fornicating my brains out with my competitors.  Anyway, back to what I was saying, the majority of those people are in top physical shape, so they have bodies that people would traditionally describe as “athletic,” or “fit,” or “Oh-my-Lord-she’s-got-legs-that-could-crush-automobiles-between-them” etc.

That means, basically, that we have the world’s most fit and attractive specimens all in one place, and they are probably having amazing sex at a physical level so intense that it would make what hardened porn stars do look about as energetic as Stephen Hawking reciting the works of Sylvia Plath in sign language.   I imagine that if I was to engage with one of those ladies in a sex act, it would probably involve a few minutes of foreplay, and then a few minutes of sex, and then a few minutes of paramedics unsuccessfully trying to resuscitate me, and then hauling me out in a body bag.

Really, I think that being an Olympian may be the greatest thing in the world.  Not because you are chosen to represent your country, and not because, most likely, you excel in a sport that nobody cares about except when the Olympics are actually occurring (Fantasy Water Polo League, anyone?), but because you get to go to the greatest sex party in the world, and you can choose from any partner from any part of the world.  It is the Baskin-Robbins of the flesh!

Recently, my ten-year old son, who is a very good soccer player, told me that he wanted to be a professional soccer player.  I couldn’t be more happy to hear that.  He loves the sport, he practices diligently, and it brings him joy to play.  I can’t wait until he gets old enough that we’re able to sit down, and have that “man-to-man” talk, where I can impart that fatherly wisdom that all of us dads hope we can deliver in the right way:

“Son, I want you to be safe, so, make sure you use protection…and stay away from the Lithuanian Women’s Powerlifting Team’s quarters.”

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